I quite like books. And anyone who knows me will know that that is a major understatement. For someone who enjoys reading as much as I do, you might think I'd read more books than I do in a year (generally less than 25). That's an average of a book every couple of weeks or so, allowing for the fact that I have more time to read in summer and get through things quicker. I recently finished reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which took me a little over a month. It is a little confusing in points, and is a book that requires some thought and can't be rushed through.
Even so, I have absolutely no shame in being a "slow reader". I can finish a book quite quickly if I want to or if it is required. But I like choosing the type of books that I can take slowly and relax with, or that challenge me or require thought.
I'm going to make an analogy. Let's compare reading a book to having sex.
You have to work on a bit to begin with, to get a good feel for it, and set yourself in the right mood.
Once you're there, you can read a little bit at a time, leaving it and coming back to it, reading a bit more, then leaving it and coming back to it, then a bit more and a bit more.
You're building up, you're coming towards the end and your interest in it means you speed up a bit as you get closer.
And the end has to be kept specially for a little while longer, you don't want it all to be over so soon so you hold off for just the right time, not too long that you lose interest, and when you come to the end you feel much more satisfied than if you'd read the whole thing in one sitting and got it over with.
So yeah, I sometimes take my time with a book, because that's how I enjoy reading them.
Til next time.
Jen x
PS. I'm currently reading two books at once. Make of that what you will.
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Monday, 3 March 2014
Stuckness
Yay, finally got back around to writing this. I was going to write something last week about the previous weeks, but I had just been too low and realised it would have been a horribly depressing post. That's what withdrawal from medication will do to you, I guess... ^_^
Anyway, got back on track and feeling better, and had a good productive day on Thursday of last week, but I could feel a wave of boredom coming on - I mentioned it to my mentor, Gillian, but she seemed to think I was worrying unnecessarily - I had had a good day, and that was fine, and I wouldn't be bored, because I had plenty of books to read. She knows I love books; we both do. But my impending boredom had nothing to do with whether there are things I can do; I did in fact spend the weekend bored, and slightly frustrated with being bored, and whilst I did try reading one of my books, I couldn't manage to focus because of my boredom and frustration. At one point I decided that what I wanted wasn't just something to do, it was something different from the same thing I'd done for most of the past week - sitting in my room most of the day, attempting to get things done or to read, moving occasionally to eat or go watch an episode of Breaking Bad because I needed a break from not getting anywhere with what I was trying to do. I wasn't exactly depressed, I wasn't low like I had been, I was just terribly bored (I knew that if it lasted too long it could lead to a low period). My friend Alex said "be grateful your plans [for the week] aren't once again try and fix the car!" - he was just joking, but I pointed out that I actually wouldn't mind trying to fix the car, I wish I knew how to fix a car. The reason he didn't want to do it is that it's the same thing he'd done for the past however many weekends (when it shouldn't have taken that long and he wanted his car back on the road), the same reason I didn't want to be sat in my room yet again.
On Thursday, before I'd had my wave of productivity and then started worrying about being bored over the next few days, I'd been sitting on a sofa in a building on campus reading my book whilst it was raining quite hard outside. I'm reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (Robert M. Pirsig) at the moment, which is a very good book which I could probably write a whole other blog post about (if it weren't so hard to put into words without writing out almost the whole book - basically, it's a book that should be experienced to be understood properly)... Where was I? Right.. so, I was reading and got stuck at a part of the book - it delves into some complicated philosophy at some points, and he was talking about Poincaré, who is basically a motherloving genius, and some of his ideas, and I couldn't make the sentences make sense, and kept getting lost. So I put it down for a bit to come back to, and wandered across to the library to be productive and work on a planetarium show script and a school powerpoint about physics at university and beyond. Today, I came back to Z&TA and got past the thing that kept sticking my brain (I tried a couple of times over the weekend, but wasn't able to focus). Once I had, I felt better about doing things and being interested in things, less worried about being bored. I figured my brain couldn't focus properly because it was preoccupied subconsciously with frustration at not understanding something.
Frustration at not understanding things is quite normal for me. I don't often not understand things, unless it's a particularly difficult concept to grasp. And when that is the case, as has been pointed out to me, and as I rationally know, there's no need to be frustrated (with myself) if I don't understand it straight away because it isn't a sign of my own weakness, but of the complexity of the subject matter. I know this, and I have tried to be better at giving myself a break. In this instance, I think I decided not to let it bother me consciously but it still stayed on my mind subconsciously - not so much the idea that I was trying to understand as the knowledge that I didn't understand it - making me less able to concentrate on other things.
Funnily enough, after I'd gotten past that part of the book today, Pirsig goes on to talk about "stuckness" - you encounter a problem, and you stick. And then your mind can't move on; it's stuck, stopped. But he suggests, instead of seeing this as the worst possible situation, seeing it as "a moment not to be feared, but cultivated". He says "after all, it's exactly this stuckness that Zen Buddhists go to so much trouble to induce; through koans, deep breathing, sitting still and the like. Your mind is empty; you have a "hollow-flexible" attitude of "beginner's mind."". So, what felt to me like a wasted weekend of my brain (and body) being idle and me sitting in bed could next time be an opportunity to lie back and let my brain be idle.
I think the change of scenery did help. With it raining most of the weekend, I didn't leave the house too much and so a trip to campus today was good. On that note, I booked my flights to Norway!!!!! So on the 23rd-26th April I will have a proper change of scenery, and time and space and adventure all for me. Super excited! :)
Anyway, got back on track and feeling better, and had a good productive day on Thursday of last week, but I could feel a wave of boredom coming on - I mentioned it to my mentor, Gillian, but she seemed to think I was worrying unnecessarily - I had had a good day, and that was fine, and I wouldn't be bored, because I had plenty of books to read. She knows I love books; we both do. But my impending boredom had nothing to do with whether there are things I can do; I did in fact spend the weekend bored, and slightly frustrated with being bored, and whilst I did try reading one of my books, I couldn't manage to focus because of my boredom and frustration. At one point I decided that what I wanted wasn't just something to do, it was something different from the same thing I'd done for most of the past week - sitting in my room most of the day, attempting to get things done or to read, moving occasionally to eat or go watch an episode of Breaking Bad because I needed a break from not getting anywhere with what I was trying to do. I wasn't exactly depressed, I wasn't low like I had been, I was just terribly bored (I knew that if it lasted too long it could lead to a low period). My friend Alex said "be grateful your plans [for the week] aren't once again try and fix the car!" - he was just joking, but I pointed out that I actually wouldn't mind trying to fix the car, I wish I knew how to fix a car. The reason he didn't want to do it is that it's the same thing he'd done for the past however many weekends (when it shouldn't have taken that long and he wanted his car back on the road), the same reason I didn't want to be sat in my room yet again.
On Thursday, before I'd had my wave of productivity and then started worrying about being bored over the next few days, I'd been sitting on a sofa in a building on campus reading my book whilst it was raining quite hard outside. I'm reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (Robert M. Pirsig) at the moment, which is a very good book which I could probably write a whole other blog post about (if it weren't so hard to put into words without writing out almost the whole book - basically, it's a book that should be experienced to be understood properly)... Where was I? Right.. so, I was reading and got stuck at a part of the book - it delves into some complicated philosophy at some points, and he was talking about Poincaré, who is basically a motherloving genius, and some of his ideas, and I couldn't make the sentences make sense, and kept getting lost. So I put it down for a bit to come back to, and wandered across to the library to be productive and work on a planetarium show script and a school powerpoint about physics at university and beyond. Today, I came back to Z&TA and got past the thing that kept sticking my brain (I tried a couple of times over the weekend, but wasn't able to focus). Once I had, I felt better about doing things and being interested in things, less worried about being bored. I figured my brain couldn't focus properly because it was preoccupied subconsciously with frustration at not understanding something.
Frustration at not understanding things is quite normal for me. I don't often not understand things, unless it's a particularly difficult concept to grasp. And when that is the case, as has been pointed out to me, and as I rationally know, there's no need to be frustrated (with myself) if I don't understand it straight away because it isn't a sign of my own weakness, but of the complexity of the subject matter. I know this, and I have tried to be better at giving myself a break. In this instance, I think I decided not to let it bother me consciously but it still stayed on my mind subconsciously - not so much the idea that I was trying to understand as the knowledge that I didn't understand it - making me less able to concentrate on other things.
Funnily enough, after I'd gotten past that part of the book today, Pirsig goes on to talk about "stuckness" - you encounter a problem, and you stick. And then your mind can't move on; it's stuck, stopped. But he suggests, instead of seeing this as the worst possible situation, seeing it as "a moment not to be feared, but cultivated". He says "after all, it's exactly this stuckness that Zen Buddhists go to so much trouble to induce; through koans, deep breathing, sitting still and the like. Your mind is empty; you have a "hollow-flexible" attitude of "beginner's mind."". So, what felt to me like a wasted weekend of my brain (and body) being idle and me sitting in bed could next time be an opportunity to lie back and let my brain be idle.
I think the change of scenery did help. With it raining most of the weekend, I didn't leave the house too much and so a trip to campus today was good. On that note, I booked my flights to Norway!!!!! So on the 23rd-26th April I will have a proper change of scenery, and time and space and adventure all for me. Super excited! :)
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